This review will be broken into two sections. The leading section will be spoiler-free for those who have not seen the film and who wished to remain naïve and innocent about the horror that will fall upon them. After the jump I will rant and bitch about specific elements of the movie that are particularly stupid, insipid and insulting. Do not blame me if you read past the jump and find yourself spoiled. (Personally I’m not sure this film can be spoiled. That would take as an implication it exists in an unspoiled state, something I find very debatable.)

Star Trek: Into Darkness is a poorly talented con-man utilizing action and fast fight scenes in place of a bluff roll hoping to keep the audience so distracted with spectacle, visual effects, and action so that the poor viewers will never noticed the Michael Bay levels of stupidium from which the script was constructed.

If you saw the nine minute preview attached to The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, then you have already seen the start of Star Trek: Into Darkness, and the least stupid portion of the movie.

The film lacks any real scenes of character and development. While this edition is more of Kirk’s story than Spock as was the case with Star Trek (2009), the audience is treated to no dramatic scenes of length to get to know their characters or explore their issues. In this film stuff happens! Before you can process, or question the Stuff more stuff happens and this is bigger stuff. The filmmakers – if they are thinking this far ahead – are desperately hoping that no one will stop during their razzmatazz and ask what is it that these characters are trying to achieve. The plot is a convoluted tangled of scenes that nominally are related, but have as much to do with story, arcs, and development as a poorly crafted first person shooter.

There are moments of real acting, but they occur infrequently because the actors are given so little to work with. One of the best actors, Benedict Cumberbatch, is utterly wasted. As a villain his motivations are sketchy and his supposedly brilliant intellect crafts only the most base and insipid of plans. Simon Pegg, a talented actor with deep geek cred, continues to perform in a manner so utterly at odds with the source material that is it simply best to pretend his character is a distant cousin to our beloved Scotty.

This film continues the previous movie’s utter disdain for science and the vastness of the cosmos. If getting to Vulcan in moments bothered you in Star Trek (2009) what these characters achieve within a single day will infuriate you. There is no consistency in technology or capabilities.

If you are getting the impression I disliked the film you are correct. This is a movie that the more you think about, the more you question, the greater the stupidity. I cannot recommend that you see it.

AND NOW FOR SPOILERS

In this film there are in effect two villains. Admiral Marcus a megalomaniacal Starfleet flag officer, convinced that war with the Klingons is inevitable, has a secret program to turn Starfleet into a military. To effect this plan he scours space and find, though it is never named as such, the Botany Bay with Khan and his supermen in suspended animation. Perfect the Admiral thinks, I’ve got supermen who are three hundred years out of date, I’ll de-ice one, and have him make my new weapons. (Seriously that’s the Admiral’s plan. It’d be like grabbing Ben Franklin and having him design our nuclear weapons.) Kahn, unset that his beloved crew are captive turns on the Admiral, blowing up the secret facility making weapons, attacks the emergency meeting of all of Starfleet’s Captain’s and their first officers – apparently Starfleet has about a dozen or less captain. Having shot up the meeting room – how this would have gotten Kahn his crew back I’m at a loss –Kahn rabbits by way of a magical single person transwarp transporter all the way to the Klingon home-world. Admiral Marcus dispatches Kirk and the Enterprise to the Klingon border – apparently less than five minuets away – to launch a spread, seventy-two in fact — of long range torpedoes at Khan. Now why in the seven hells did Kahn go to the Klingon home-world? He know Marcus’ plan, he knows the man wants to start a war. Kahn has no Klingon allies or contacts, and he doesn’t profit from the war in any fashion. He goes there because this is how badly the plot is constructed. Kirk and company capture Kahn, learn that all the torpedoes have Khan people inside them – apparently just shutting off the suspended animation capsules is too straight forward for Marcus and this was his plan to kill off the supermen – and that’s what Khan wants back. They discover that Khan regenerates – really where the hell did that come from – when McCoy in a fit of Frankensteinism injects Khan blood into a tribble for no damn reason at all. (This is what passes for establishment in this script.) Scotty who stayed behind in a pique has now discovered the super secret shipyard and warship being built in Jovian orbit. The Admiral takes the warship attacks the Enterprise in a flashy and pointless space battle. They battle all the way back to Earth – all of two minutes voyage I’d say – and com crashing down into the atmosphere. Kirk saves this ship when he goes into the warp core and manually fixes it despite the lethal radiation – yeah blatantly reminding us of a better film in the middle of your movie is a really bad idea – he dies and Spock screams Khan. (Doesn’t anyone remember when Kirk was over the top screaming ‘Khan’ he was playing Kahn? That the entire time Kirk knew he had an out?) Khan escapes to Earth, Spock chases him, apparently three hundred years earlier when the super-bright scientist engineered Khan they had the foresight to not only make him immune to phasers on stun but the Vulcan nerve pinch as well, and engaged in a running fight on quickly moving hoverthings. Khan is captured, his blood brings Kirk back to life, and Kahn and his crew are put back o ice for future sequels.

Good god this plot is stupid.

We get to see Spock Prime again, where he informs us he has taken a vow to not reveal anything he knows about the future. Apparently a doomsday machine eating planets right through the most densely populated section of our galaxy isn’t his problem. Nor is the plague of mind-control parasites sweeping towards the Rigel colony, but he does let Spock the Lesser know that Khan is ruthless and will kill everyone. Not a peep about who khan is and what he wants. (Because this Khan really doesn’t want anything. The other corspesicles are just McGuffins. This Khan has no great monologue ‘On Earth – two hundred years ago – I was a prince with power over millions…’ because this Khan has no character!)

These are only a few elements of stupidium they used in writing this piece of crap. I assure you there is far more than I care to think about.